Night blogging !! yay! its been a while since the last time i did this, probably because for a while i was actually sleeping like a normal, functioning human. Alas, those days are beyond me
Not too long ago i decided i wanted to double my usual dosage of zoloft, (which my psychiatrist was completely supportive of mind you!) so yeah, for a while everything was dandy, but then my already sucky side effects, became even suckier. I am having night terrors and let me tell you, that’s not just a fancy word for nightmares. My dreams are so macabre, so creepy and downright terrifying it scares me that those are coming from somwhere inside my mind.It’s like living in the scariest horror flick you can think of. ( which is kinda ironic, knowing that i LOOVE scary movies)
When i was little i used to like going to bed because i KNEW i was going to dream about something and it would be like living an adventure where i could be whoever i wanted to be, at least for a little while. I do still have those kind of dreams …. but it’s becoming rarer and rarer…
My nightmares also have a tendency to affect me physically . I wake up covered in sweat, my entire body aching from tightening my muscles throughout the night, and my teeth have almost no enamel left because i keep grinding them in my sleep. I cant count the times i woken myself up by my own sobbing, by then i usally feel so exhausted i cant stop… The memories and the feelings from the ”dream” are still so vivid, so real, it’s really hard to shake off that feeling, sometimes it sticks with me througout the entire day. Needless to say, it’s a less than ideal way to start you mornings.
To people that dont have nightmares,night terrors or doesn’t really dream much to begin with , it probably sounds like i am laying it on waaayyy too thick and thinks that i’m just overreacting…..
Maybe i am.. but that doesn’t change the fact that i am nervous about going to bed, unsure of what my royally screwed up mind comes up with next.. This the price i pay to not go around moping and feeling lost and depressed all the time… Does it suck monkey ass? yes. Is it worth it? yes… unfortunately. But do you want know what the REAL fucked up part is…? It doesn’t always get better when i wake up. ( was that too emo?)