Well I suck

I suck at being continous… i know. But im here now ! That should count for something right ??
I guess i should ease into it again, cause that would be the polite thing to do right ? well…. aint no body got time for that !

I want to talk about so many things !  i am a Russ this year so i’ve spent alot of time preparing for that. I’ve been drunk… alot.  I’ve found a new seies i love (the 100) I watched the MTV movie awards and i saw the last episode of HIMYM (wtf?!)
So yeah, thats what i’ve been up to. On friday Easter vacation started so i am planning on doing alot of productive things (”planning to” being the main word) in about half an hour Marita, maria and katharina is coming over so we can decorate our russ trousers. (i’ll explain that later)


Manic Depression and Performance Anxiety tomorrow


I am having a full fledged panic attack. It started earlier this day with an incident with my teacher (long story) and now several hours later i still cant shake the panicky feeling im having. I cant even write properly! (sorry for any misspellings) she’s just waiting for a reason to flunk me and it all depends on wether or not i show up at school tomorrow… and to a 19 year old girl with triggering manic performance anxiety (roughly translated) from experience i can say that it’s not a good idea to put that kind of pressure on me.
When people depend on, or want something from me that i know i cant give them, that’s when i break. I’ve been curling up in my bed listening to music for the last 3 hours, while avoiding looking at my assignment which is screaming at me to get a grip from across the room.

I know alot of people are struggeling with the same(ish) issues as i am and is reading this like ”wtf, if it’s so important that you meet up at school tomorrow why dont you just haul your ass over there ??”

kinda difficult between the dry heaving and blacking out from hyperventilating… just sayin.




Divergent the movie


Yesterday i went to the movies and watched Divergent with Marita…

I was kinda sceptical about the whole movie, but 15 minutes in and i was already hooked. My main concern for the movie was Shailene Woodley as Tris. I’ve watched her in The secret life of the american teenager and in the spectacular now i was less than impressed by her performance in both … i hate that hair thing she does all the time ! So going in, my expectations was pretty low.. But as  mentioned, 15 minutes in and i was sold. Ofcourse she wasn’t like the Tris in my head, but she did potray her pretty well, I was pleasantly suprised. With the whole movie actually… i loved the Dauntless headquarters and the zipline scene. (that one hurt ! Anyone that has read Alligent knows what im talking about ! Ouch..)

But i do have a few things i wish they’d included, like the drunk Tobias scene where he leans in and tell her she looks good, Dauntless cake ! The butteknife-in-the-eye scene and i was particularly bummed that they cut out tobias’s line on the train, you know which one im talking about.. The one every fangirl swoons over.

I have something I need to tell you,” he says. I run my fingers along the tendons in his hands and look back at him. “I might be in love with you.” He smiles a little. “I’m waiting until I’m sure to tell you, though.”
“That’s sensible of you,” I say, smiling too. “We should find some paper so you can make a list or a chart or something.”
I feel his laughter against my side, his nose sliding along my jaw, his lips pressing my ear.
“Maybe I’m already sure,” he says, “and I just don’t want to frighten you.”
I laugh a little. “Then you should know better.”
“Fine,” he says. “Then I love you.”
Veronica Roth, Divergent

Like what the heck ?! Couldn’t they’ve prioritized that instead of having Theo and Shailene gaze into eachothers eyes for FIVE minutes??? *sigh* But im content, i guess. Movies will never be able to portray what the inside of my mind would like it to be, and i’ve accepted that, which makes the whole reading the book- watching the movie experience much easier.

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My not so dirty or secret, secret: Manga/Anime


I’ve always loved stories, in any shape or form. I love to read, watch movies and series, music videos, audio books, plays, and so on. And so does basically everyone else in my family, we just have different ways to approach them 

My brother was the one who introduced me into the anime/ Manga world. And boy am i grateful. (though id like to think id found out about it sooner or later)I find an emans joy in finally finding a good manga, that is,once i’ve dodged all the sterotypichal,perverted and cliche ones…. Beause belive there is some bad ones out there !! *shudder*
 It’s always funny to me to see the reactions on my friends faces once they find out i read ”comics” and watch ”cartoons”. The confusion on their faces is hillarious. They have no idea that the plot in both anime and manga can be waaayyy more difficult, thought through, harsh and, overall better than most of the crap they watch on tv.
Imagine your favorite show or movie… done? Now imagine it being drawn or animated instead… Same characters, same plot and same characteristics, the only difference is that it’s drawn or animated.

Geeky or not, i love the culture. I am not a fullblown otaku-cosplayer- not judging if you are! Whatever floats you boat. But i do appreciate the typical humor and aesthetics  of it. I am not as ”into” it as i were before, maybe because i’ve ”grown up” a little and hence my taste has now changed,the type of stories  and plot that i like now, there’s not that big of a market for it in the anime/manga world, but i still like it. And i’ve always favoured manga (i like to read….) over anime, i just find it a bit more diverse than watching an anime.

As far as favorites i have quite a few…  on the top of my head, eureka seven, attack on titan, blood+, nana,wolfs rain,pupa, full metal alchemist and no.6

I drag myself out of nightmares each morning and find there’s no relief in waking

Night blogging !! yay! its been a while since the last time i did  this, probably because for a while i was actually sleeping like a normal, functioning human. Alas, those days are beyond me
Not too long ago i decided i wanted to double my usual dosage of zoloft, (which my psychiatrist was completely supportive of mind you!) so yeah, for a while everything was dandy, but then my already sucky side effects, became even suckier. I am having night terrors and let me tell you, that’s not just a fancy word for nightmares. My dreams are so macabre, so creepy and downright terrifying it scares me that those are coming from somwhere inside my mind.It’s like living in the scariest horror flick you can think of. ( which is kinda ironic, knowing that i LOOVE scary movies)
When i was little i used to like going to bed because i KNEW i was going to dream about something and it would be like living an adventure where i could be whoever i wanted to be, at least for a little while. I do still have those kind of dreams …. but it’s becoming rarer and rarer…

My nightmares also have a tendency to affect me physically . I wake up covered in sweat, my entire body aching from tightening my muscles throughout the night, and my teeth have almost no enamel left because i keep grinding them in my sleep. I cant count the times i woken myself up by my own sobbing, by then i usally feel so exhausted i  cant stop… The memories and the feelings  from the ”dream” are still so vivid, so real, it’s really hard to shake off that feeling, sometimes it sticks with me througout the entire day. Needless to say, it’s a less than ideal way to start you mornings.

To people that dont have nightmares,night terrors or doesn’t really dream much to begin with , it probably sounds like i am laying it on waaayyy too thick and thinks that i’m just overreacting…..
Maybe i am.. but that doesn’t change the fact that i am nervous about going to bed, unsure of what my royally screwed up mind comes up with next.. This the price i pay to not go around moping and feeling lost and depressed all the time… Does it suck monkey ass? yes. Is it worth it? yes… unfortunately. But do you want know what the REAL fucked up part is…? It doesn’t always get better when i wake up. ( was that too emo?)