i love you.

There’s absolutely nothing in this entire world that hurts more than when one of the people you love is hurting and you know there’s nothing you can do about it. Nobody can tell me otherwise. It hurts so much, i even try not to love him, but he’s my blood and whether i like it or not, we’ll always be connected to each other. I always complain about him to other people but as soon as other people try to agree with me i get defensive and make up excuses for him. When i think about the people who did this to him and put him in this situation in the beginning….. i’m convinced that i would be able to commit murder if given the opportunity. Nobody fucks with the people i love ….. Or well, i guess they do but i really,really wish they wouldn’t…

I fear oblivion…. And power ballads

Sometimes i get this overwhelming need to make something. To have something that’s left after i am gone. I want to touch people. (not in that way…. perverts) i call it my Augustus waters syndrome.. i fear oblivion..Didn’t someone write: what’s the point in living if you don’t at least try to do something remarkable ? Was that john green as well ? It probably was.. i am sorry if this is incredibly self-indulging of me… I’ve been listening to sad  power ballads for the last 2 hours.

* heads up to the supernatural fandom. nr 42 will be sure to give some serious DeanxJo feels </3

”There’s nowhere else like London. Nothing at all, anywhere.” – Vivienne Westwood

you may not know this, because i suck at updating my blog, but yesterday, on Friday, i came home after spending the last 4 days in London. I know i ‘ve mentioned something about me going to London with Mona but i haven’t really written much about it have i ? (or anything at all for that matter)
On the 16th of February, around 7 o’clock me,Mona and my parents drove to the airport.With me and Mona chatting excitingly in the backseat, and my mom and dad shouting advice at us, telling us what to do and what to be careful of. It’s my first big ”alone trip” so of course they where nervous but when i got a text just after going through security, asking me how i was doing i had to tell them to back off. i mean… i am 20 years old for crying out loud !

We had an awesome time in London and i would’ve loved to stay longer. There was so much i feel like i didn’t get to do even though we got up about ten in the morning and didn’t come home until seven in the evening. i am even more sure now than ever that i want to move there. until now, i haven’t liked thinking too much about it cause i always end up convincing myself that i would never be able to move to a different country all by myself. But after this trip i’ve gotten some new found  confidence. i’ve been planing the whole trip by myself and it’s such a confidence boost for someone who struggles with anxiety to see that you’re able to accomplish something you’d thought you anxiety would never let you do. I only had one small panic attack and that saying something ! I hate any type of public transport and usually shy away from it, i don’t know why but i just do, and it’s always been like that. But being in London i didn’t have much choice if i wanted to explore the city. so after several internal discussions and deep breaths i bought an oyster card and we took the tube ! and i actually understood how to navigate it !

that aside, it’s a stunning city and it’s surreal to see things you’ve only seen on tv or in movies, firsthand. It just doesn’t seem real, like something out of a dream.. kinda like a form of dejavu.
Unfortunately i didn’t take that many pictures, i was more busy with actually seeing and experiencing the things i saw to make time to fish up my phone to take a pic. And at times the moment felt so weirdly intimate that i just didn’t want to take a picture really…But i did take some !

Dear Joan of Arc, power to the teenage girl.

one of the main things i go to for inspiration when i am writing is the story of Joan of Arc. it doesn’t have anything to do with the story i am currently writing but, i’ve always loved her story. i’m not really religious, but the fact that she fought so hard for something she believed in is really admirable. I love browsing fashion shoots inspired by her. Mix that with Tim walker and Alexander Mcqueen and i would be in fashion heaven… Until then i’ll settle with searching randoms photos on pinterest marked ”joan of arc, fashion”
Also, just a little fun fact. you know that saying that says: ”i am not afraid, i was born to do this.” yeah, she was the one that said that, supposedly.
For those of you who don’t really know the story of Joan of Arc (aka Jeanne d’Arc) here’s a little synopsis:
Joan of Arc was born in 1412 in Domrémy, Bar, France. And is considered a national heroine of France. at 16 she had had a vision and told everyone that would listen that: “I must be at the King’s side… there will be no help (for the kingdom) if not from me. Although I would rather have remained spinning [wool] at my mother’s side… yet must I go and must I do this thing, for my Lord wills that I do so.” Joan of Arc led the French army to victory over the British at Orléans, at age 18. Captured a year later, Joan was burned by the English and their French collaborators as a heretic.

Wanting to be independent, but not an adult..

so my mom and dad literally fled the country for the entire week and i’ve been in  complete bliss ever since. it’s a hard adjustment having to go from living on your own for 3 years to moving back home after being independent for so long and to be restricted to having only one room as your haven. It’s been a difficult adjustment to say the least..
In other news, tomorrow i am officially not a teen anymore, that’s right folks i am turning 20. and i am freaking the frack out ! people will expect alot more from me now. and what if i am in a situation where i need an adult and they’re all like ” you’re 20 , you became an adult like 2 years ago”
but i dont know how to adult ! i need an adultier adult ! someone teach me how to adult !
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Life lately: come to the bright side. we dont have cookies but it’s a lot healthier for you over here.

I haven’t really been updateing  you guys on the situation on hand as of lately have i ? well there’s not much going on really. I’ve been working a lot at the school i mentioned earlier and i am pleasantly surprised about how well its going. Except for maybe today when a kid decided she’d had enough of me and bit a chunk of my hand…. oh well..

As far as my psych goes, I’ve been pretty good. i haven’t really had any episodes.. I’ve been really good about seeking out my friends and spending more time with people instead of just staying in my room sulking. Though i’m really bummed out about katharina moving..kinda miss her already and it hasn’t even been a month.
But it’s periods like these that really makes all the work i’ve done with previous psychiatrists worth it. But it also means that the higher you fly the further you fall i guess.

on a happier note. i’m going to Volda tomorrow and visit Marita, we’re going to go see kill it kid at Rokken. which is the local pub/club/resturant. Mona is probably also tagging along. I’m so excited, i really like this band and it’s been a while since i’ve been out,  its definitely about time for  a girls night!